The Truth About Taxis II !!!

So I’m back, as promised, with my next post on the Truth About Taxis titled ... guess ... guess again ... The Truth About Taxis II!!!

I know, I know, riveting. I can’t wait to see what I write and how you feel after you read it. Just so you know, this has taken years of observation and decades of research; so please, by all means try this at home, or on the street, whichever you prefer.

Now, almost everyone has sat in a taxi or at least seen a taxi either on the street or parked under a tree somewhere. But before I go on, I would like you all to note that this isn't a lecture and this paper is not examinable. I’m simply to share the wisdom that comes ever so freely to me. As such, take this just as a few pointers to keep in mind when dealing with taxis: whether it is taking one or driving around one.

Point One - Always be ready to bargain. When you stop a taxi, describe your destination as well as you can, as fast as you can. This confuses the driver, if he’s wise, he’ll ask you again and then you would have to take it slowly. Thankfully, most taxi drivers will not be smart enough to know what game you are up to. So chances are, they’ll say they know and then quote a ridiculously high price, which you should drop down by at least ¢3. When they refuse, tell them that it is OK and that you’ll wait for another taxi. Step away from the vehicle and proceed to look towards oncoming traffic for another taxi. If you are lucky, he’ll signal you with his hand, flapping it gently towards himself gently, indicating you to hop in.

CAUTION: don’t look too excited by your victory, remain cool and sit in the car. If he drives away, try the same procedure with the next taxi. There’s a 90% chance of you getting away with this.


Point Two - If you have an accent lose it! Be as "local" as possible. Anything that might give you away as sounding, looking or being foreign has to go! If by any chance you are with an “obroni”/”oyibo”, it is best to keep them out of sight until you have bargained with the taxi driver on the fare he wishes to charge you. The slightest hint of “foreign-ticity” will result in a 100% increase in fare charges.

Point Three - Never hire a taxi that’s parked at a taxi rank. Most station based taxi drivers like to argue a lot and are generally “too-known”. They also charge at least 50% more than the usual fare.

Point Four (very important point) - If you have to go to a traffic prone area in a taxi, before you bargain with the taxi driver for a good fare, be emphatic that at that time of the day there’s no traffic. Proceed to indicate what times of the day and for what reasons traffic builds up in those places. Assure him that there will be no traffic at that time and pray that it is as you say. However, when you do meet a traffic jam, act surprised and start looking at your watch every second. Then tell the driver that you are absolutely shocked that there is so much traffic here. Talk endlessly about how it is impossible to predict traffic situations lately and how the government must construct more roads. You can also divert his attention to a policeman standing close by (assuming there is a policeman close by) and say how sad it is that they extort so much money from poor taxi drivers.

A suitable alternative is to talk about politics and how we need a president who will make the lives of every one better by reducing fuel prices. The purpose of this is to endear pity and to make him know that you are suffering in life just as much as he is even if you. He’ll forgive you and forget all about the traffic jam you’ve put him. In effect, sympathize with him. But be careful of those “experienced and hardened drivers” who know all these tricks. With them you may have to make a phone call to a close friend or relative and talk about the pressures of work over the phone. Darn if you don’t have credit on your phone that day!

Point Five - Never take a Tico if you have to go someplace important. Arriving in a Tico strips you of your status. Ticos are not the best choice if you want to make a good impression on people. For some reason, even the newest Tico taxi looks cheap, and as a result, charge cheaper than other taxis. Research into the Tico phenomenon is still ongoing. One thing I know however is that they are the preferred choice in the mountainous regions.

Point Six - Never stop a taxi that’s driving in the opposite direction from where you want to go. More often than not, the taxi drivers will charge you about 40% more than those going in the direction you are headed. I suppose the surcharge comes from turning the vehicle around.

Point Seven - If you are driving behind an empty taxi, chances are that you’ll be driving at no more than 30kmph. Reason is, they are on the look out for passengers and every pedestrian along the road way will receive a hoot and a honk.

Point Eight - For no apparent reason, a taxi driver will take out a duster and wipe his dashboard. Other times, he might simply buy sachet water from the nearest vendor and use it to wipe his windscreen. Don’t ask the obvious question that comes to your mind.




Point Nine - At night be prepared to be blinded by the highlights of the taxi driver. Several Taxi drivers have not firmly grasped the concept of when and how to use their highlights.

Point Ten - Make a taxi driver friend. It is as handy as a hammer in a toolbox. You’ll know when you get there.

There you have it, Ten (10) Truths about Taxis. This should keep you occupied for a while. Below, I have put together a 5 general tips for the inexperienced driver in town.

1. Never drive behind or on the side of a cargo truck. You never know when their brakes will fail or the cargo their carrying will decide to tip over.


2. Before you decide to jump a red light, look left, look right and look before you for any amber clothed individual. There just might be some “baby/zoom lion police” waiting to hop into your car and take your last penny.


3. Watch out for young ladies in posh cars, their driving skills are generally worse than taxi drivers.


4. For reasons I can’t explain on this here blog, just don’t drive at Circle or Kaneshie if you’ve been driving for less than 6 months!


5. Expect to be cut-off by reckless drivers on the road trying to change to the faster lanes. You’ll be lucky to have a wave of the hand or a flash of the hazard light as a way of asking for forgiveness. If you honk your horn at them, you’ll get more than a wave. One of these days, I will dedicate a blog post to the illustrate road-hand-signs they don’t teach you in driving school.

While you guys chew on this, I shall be patiently waiting for the day that we will ride limo-cabs in Ghana and have suited-up chauffeurs for drivers.

THE TRUTH ABOUT TAXIS I

Does anyone know how taxis came to be? And why they are called taxis in the first place? Do we know why they chose to identify taxis with those multicoloured patches instead of going for a monotone? Why do we wait until cars are completely run down before we convert them into taxis and why do they have all these “poetic”, often misspelled and misunderstood writings on them? All these we may never know. However, there are a few things that we do know about taxis and I am here to share them with you.

Let’s start with the word “Taxi” itself: what does it mean? I’ve done some research and it turns out that the word taxi is short for taxicab, which in itself is a contraction of “taximeter cabriolet”. (Cabriolet is a type of a horse-drawn carriage). The word, as the brilliant ones amongst you may have figured out already, is originally French. But I won’t bore you anymore with the etymology of the word taxi.

[caption id="attachment_153" align="aligncenter" width="495" caption="New York Taxi"][/caption]

The use of taxis started way back in Rome, in the 1800s. Then it moved into the US, Canada and it trickled to downtown Ghana, Africa. And that’s where the story gets interesting.

By the way, did you know that the colour yellow is the colour most easily seen from a distance? So says Wikipedia.

Let’s come to Ghana where taxis are coloured in combinations of blue+yellow+black or orange+brown+green and several other intriguing combinations. Besides the colour codes they come in, there is a lot to learn about them.

Take for instance the writings on them. The other day I drove past a parked taxi, which proclaimed in bold lettering; “GOD IS MY SEATBELT”. Frankly, that statement left me dazed for a minute, maybe two. Did it mean that because God was his seatbelt, he wasn’t going to wear any; or was that statement to day that whether or not he wore a seatbelt God would keep him safe from any accidents? What about your passengers? Is God their seatbelt too? There are many ways you can debate on this statement. I could write a whole thesis on this. Trust me. Does anyone know whether these “taxi quotes” are the mantras of the car owners or the philosophies by which taxi drivers live? Imagine being crossed by a taxi with the quote “NO HURRY IN LIFE” written across it. Yeah, I know.

[caption id="attachment_156" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="taxi"][/caption]

There’s a certain culture with taxi drivers.  They spend almost all their time on the road that they believe they live on the road corridor and as such everyone else must bow in their presence and give them way. You know what I mean: zigzagging across lanes, stopping abruptly to pick up passengers, slowing down at junctions to peering down to sight potential passengers…the list could go on.

I sat in a taxi the other day and the driver went no more than 50kmph the whole time. I promise! So I asked him in Twi, “can’t your car go any faster? He replied, saying that if he went any faster, he would burn more fuel. Like hell you will. With that reply, I couldn’t ask any further questions. I didn’t want his car to jerk itself to a stop in the middle of the journey and be stranded along the side of the road.  So I sat in there quietly like a good girl until I got to my destination 20 minutes late for my appointment.



When it comes to taxi traffic talk (language), taxi drivers have a complete set of unique gestures; there’s one for when you don’t give them the chance to cut in front of you in a logjam; there’s one for when you honk at them to drive faster (this is when they are on the prowl for passengers); there’s another one for when they meet a fellow taxi driver; there are also a few gestures that you would rather not have them make at you. I have no doubt that you get this often. They cross you in traffic unexpectedly and when you honk your horn at them, they simply throw their hand out of the window as though you were a fly they were trying to swat. It is, if nothing at all, the most annoying hand movement in traffic.

I pray, I sincerely do pray that the next time a taxi driver throws out his hand out his window after a display of ignorance of traffic rules, oh I pray, that his hand gets chopped off! I’m serious.

The gesture is slightly different with most private car drivers. They simply wave at you as though that is enough to have prevented a near accident.

I will be back with my next post with some more info on a few things to note when dealing with taxis; either as a driver or passenger in a taxi.

RATIONING EMOTIONS

People see emotions as a renewable resource. Mine isn’t. As such I ration my emotions as much as possible. I need to be able to put a stopper to unusual happiness, unscheduled shocks and inconsequential tear shedding. The older I grow, the more I find the need to be able to master my emotions. And the best way to do so, according to my theory, albeit twisted, is to consider your emotions as non-renewable. Like a depleting forest, or the thinning grass or a receeding hair-line, electricity from ECG, water in our pipeline etc. emotions have to be properly allocated. Like fuel in a taxi driver's tank, sometimes I put my emotions in free gear; the only direction is forward. It means that for a period of time, no matter what emotional obstacle I meet, I’m going to respond with the same expression as I had before that period. Allow me to explain.

[caption id="attachment_146" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="from left to right: Jack of Diamonds, Queen of Spades, Kings of Heart and Ace of Spades"][/caption]

Picture your emotions as a deck of cards. See the Ace of each suit as the highest attainable emotion you could ever achieve – ecstacy, extreme depression, raging anger, uncontrollable joy. The Kings, are reserved for close friends and family, Queen for people you respect i.e your boss, or superior at work; the Jack for your peers and the remaining ones for a few fake moments when you are required to show some form of emotion that doesn’t come naturally. Now you don’t want to run out of emotions before the end of play. It’ll be like pulling out a Joker when you really need a Queen of emotion at that moment. Jokers are used for any of those awkward moments when you’re not sure whether to weep, laugh, or sing for joy. They are very tricky cards to pull and as such can only be used effectively by the very sophisticated or advanced user. The remaining numbered cards are for things like admiration, confusion, dismay and any of those 3^rd grade emotions that don’t require too much energy.

Or you can decide to tag each emotion with a specific suit. Spades for unhappy moments such as anger, frustration, fear, depression, disappointment. Hearts for all happy moments like joy, peace of mind, victory and perhaps love. The suit of Clubs could represent revenge and the Diamond suit could stand for anything to do with money. I will explain this into further details in my book.

I don’t get it when most girls waste tears on needless things like a broken artificial nail; or when guys expend so much energy watching a game of football or soccer. I find it very nonsensical. There are better things to spend your emotions on. So take this as a note of caution: Next time you are tempted to expend your emotions irrationally, remember this post and use it wisely!

make-up shake up

Those who know me know that I don’t do make-up, wear dresses, tweeze my eyebrows, hate high heels or sing in a high pitched voice. It’s not me. Sadly, this has been the case since I was a toddler. Occasionally, my parents would put me in a dress; this included kaba and slit, “3 sisters” and a few others. All those moments have been captured on film and I will release it sometime in the future when I write my biography. As I didn’t have a choice as a child, I wore them. The only things I could do was to act defeated and my mum, God bless that woman, knew that something was up. She noticed the change in demeanour and never quite bothered me with dresses or skirts any more after I was 9. Friends and family who thought they were being nice and bought me dresses for my birthday and such other occassions did me wrong, but they didn’t know it.

All my life, I can literally count the number of times I’ve worn a full dress or matched a skirts with a top. It’s a rare occasion which involves days of planning and psyching myself up. I have an older sister who adores dresses and has a wardrobe full of dresses of all colours and a dressing table overflowing with make up kits.

When in secondary school, I wore a skirt once and by the time I went from my house to the dining hall, half the school had already heard the momentous occasion that had befallen them. I think my entire class was made to stand on their tables because they were making so much noise during Prep hour. I, on the other hand sat at my desk, even though I couldn’t study the entire period. So in short, wearing a dress is a big deal for me. For one, they are uncomfortable to wear. And when you wear them you have to sit in a particular way as you don’t want to reveal certain private areas. Second you can’t walk as you naturally can, especially in high heels, which obviously leave you helpless in the hands of gravity, making you prone to spilling over.

[caption id="attachment_142" align="aligncenter" width="400" caption="Why would any body want to wear this?"][/caption]

While in the university, I wore a skirt and top, all of 2 times of was it 3? It was for matriculation and in my 3rd year for a faculty dinner. And for the record, that weekend of the awards night, I was unwell and my best friend, coerced me into it. Had I been fit, I would have wriggled myself out of the situation. Growing up didn’t change matters. I’m close to thirty now and do not own more than 5 dresses - 3 kaba & slits for family funerals and the other two for emergency situations.

Recently, a very good friend, she’s older, gave me make-up as a gift. She doesn’t know me that well so I pardoned her mistake. It was an assortment of Chanel lipglosses so it’s not that bad. Of course my sister had wanted to hijack it, but I didn’t let her. She usually wears my dresses when people buy them for me. My brothers on the other hand, go into my wardrobe when they have to go to a party and don’t have any clean clothes. I don’t mind. Soon after I got the lipglosses, my brothers came into my room and saw the lipglosses on my table. They asked “who bought this for you?” I’m like, don’t you think I can buy my own make-up? They simply laughed and said; “just answer the question, who bought you this make-up?” I refused to answer the question. So what am I saying? I’m simply saying that I am me. An uncut diamond. I present myself as naturally as I can and if you can’t take that, well I make no apologies for that. If you think I look ugly without it, fine, like it that way. When I decide to wear a skirt/dress, it is simply to gain attention and get the mood a little lively, and not to impress anyone. Simply just for kicks. It can almost be equated to wearing a costume for Halloween.

Rebel Poetry

Ok guys, thanks for hanging in there patiently since my last post, decades ago. So I'm giving my blog a little twist with a bit of poetry.

Please, enjoy. This one is still untitled, so please feel free make suggestions.

Simple things made great

Confusion set straight

Unbelief turned trust

Dawn into dusk

Smile into frown

Mime & a clown

Cats after mice

Judas betrays Christ

Bondage into freedom

Protection - use a condom

Together as one body

Alone as nobody

Numb to your beating

Dumb - has no meaning

Lamb, please no bleating

Mum, no speaking

Guilty! There's no pleading

Ashamed yet proud

Blind but seeing

Applause, then a bow

Gang Who?

I was going through some of my old documents and I chanced upon this piece here. I enjoyed reading it once more and thought you would too.

It's from my days writing "In the Couch with Freddy" in JIVE Entertainment Weekly a while back.

 

First of, you guys need to forgive me. I know this column has been missing from Jive for the longest while, and possibly this might be my last entry for a long while to come. famosfreddy needs to take a little break.

But lemme get right down to business!

Last week I had several calls from all over to check out this new addition to the silver screen. Now y’all know that the moment something like that comes unto the screen, it’s just begging me to comment.

Hmmm… to begin with, the name is cheesy! Which creative minds over at TV3 decided that this was the best name to give to a contest? Gang Stars paa, some dey inside. I think they got the Gang bit right, but fell short of the Stars aspect. How do they manage to round up all the “kankpe” (hard core) people in one single slot of television time? It’s funny how Stars of the Future manages to get one type and TV3 ends up with another. Although I think that this year’s Stars of the Future wasn’t entirely up to snuff. That’s another matter for another medium.

Ok now, the only difference between this one and the Mentor is that they come in twos and threes and fours; male and female alike.

So I set up myself to watch this great show I’d heard so much about. There’s one mistake I made though; I had my dinner at the same time I was watching it. And if TV3 has any feelings for this poor soul of mine, they should compensate me for every time I nearly choked on a morsel. My brother recounts his displeasure of watching the opening of the show under the attack of mosquitoes. Now that is a sad story.

To be fair, I’ll say that not all the Gang Stars were utterly appalling, some were disgraceful and others were an embarrassment. Rather than call them Gang Stars, I’ll refer to them as Dimmed Shimmers. They need to realize that the songs they sing aren't theirs and as long as they are in that contest, and might want to merit the name “Star”, they’ll have to come up with something better than simply putting mime to an already established song. I like the judges, B.B., Jackie and DKB. But I hate their position. I wonder if they truly enjoy that role. It must be horrifying. Each time a group comes on stage it’s like a battlefield with guns going off in all directions. Duck! Bomb’s away! Sheesh!

If you saw my face when one batch came up to do Backstreet Boys’ “Quit Playing Games”, you might understand, albeit fairly, how my insides were churning. With all their might, they masterfully owned the song (not in the good sense as we would have hoped) and destroyed the music sheet with which the song was composed. The Backstreet Boys are not exactly my favorites; nonetheless, I can’t begin to fathom what they will make of this dirgeful rendition of the song. It was a complete and utter mess. There’s something interesting I noticed as well. When they were done singing and the hosts, Black Boy & that squeamish lady with the rat attack hairdo who tagged along, came up to talk to them, at least 70% of the time, the mics of the contestants didn’t work. That certainly raised my eyebrows. Besides the lead singer, how did the rest back him/her up? Hmmm?

The proceedings of that entire night reinstated my belief that clearly we have no sense of music! And that’s where all the work need be targeted. Not when they are old and set in their ways. Too late to teach and old dog new tricks, you know?

They need to be told right this moment that they can't keep riding on somebody else's choo-choo train. What's the skill in simply lip synching another's song? No real exhibition of talent in that. Somebody, please tell me the purpose of this gathering of Gang Stars. I implore you.

Instead of propelling us ahead of all four mentor seasons, they took me way back to secondary school days when entertainment night was all about getting on stage, miming and getting off stage. As my mosquito-bite ridden brother said, it reminded him of Saturday evening Variety Shows in SSS. There was no real need to sing, just look good on stage and everyone will like you.

Anywho, you’ve got to admire TV3’s unquenchable desire to entertain it’s audiences. They try. Truly they do.

But before I leave, here’s one word of advice to my Gang Star buddies; the fact that you enjoy singing a Mary J Blige/Mario/Jahiem song in your bathroom doesn't mean you can torture is with it.

 

Adios amigos

 

Gossip, Cheap, Small Talk

So lately, there’s a trend going on. I’m at that stage in my life when all my friends and colleagues are getting married, making babies and starting families. So, as you can imagine, there are several texts back and forth inviting me to weddings and engagements. I get at least 3 a month. It’s all well and good. But then I have problem. Yea, I always do. Even if there's no problem, I'll create one and have a fit over it.

See, over the past 3 or so years, I’ve received hundreds of SMSs inviting me to weddings and engagements and so on. It’s a quick and simple way of sending out information. All you have to do is to squeeze all you want to say into 160 characters (punctuation included). You can use every form of shorthand and cyber lingo to do it. No one will complain. Well...no one except me, of course.

 

[caption id="attachment_116" align="aligncenter" width="474" caption="texting texting texting"][/caption]

 

 

Allow me to say this emphatically once and for all: I do not and will not attend weddings or any other events based on texts. If you can't afford to spare more than 160 characters on a message as important as that, then maybe I shouldn't bother myself with looking for a suitably coloured dress, in some cases, even order a dress, make myself up, perhaps buy you a gift and drive several miles from my house only on the whim of a text. I won't do even do it for my best friend. And in any case, none of my best friends are cheap...well...some are. They are way too enlightened for that. It's not about being old fashioned, it's about doing it right. You wouldn't send the president of any country an SMS as an invite to an event. You would probably send him an official invite and then you can follow up with an SMS or a call.

 

[caption id="attachment_118" align="aligncenter" width="290" caption="An example of a proper Wedding Invite"][/caption]

 

 

That is the kind of respect I would like young people of today to exercise. The cyber world is great and all, but it can certainly not be used to trivialize important events like weddings, christenings or naming ceremonies. Notification by emails are acceptable, but texts, you can't possibly be serious.

 

[caption id="attachment_117" align="aligncenter" width="321" caption="They Say I Lack Writing Skills"][/caption]

 

 

According to my theory, SMSs are for gossip and small talk and they are above all, cheap! Therefore if you consider your wedding/engagement gossip material or that which makes small talk worthwhile, then consider me officially uninvited to your event. And by all standards I don’t attend cheap events. It’s bad for my image.

I don’t mind if you send the SMS days prior to the event as a reminder or perhaps an email blast to all your friends reminding them of your special event. But to send me an SMS as the first point of call is totally sub-standard for me. So here and now, I apologize to anyone whose wedding or engagement I’ve not attended. If you invited me via SMS now you understand why. If not, then maybe, I just don't like you. There are some that I was unable to attend for very genuine reasons. Truth hurts, but it has to be told.

If you can’t send out proper invitations, then at least you can manage a phone call. But simply sending invitational SMSs fall way below the credibility line and I will not, I repeat, I will not make anything of it.

That’s all. I had to say it and I did. So sue me!