RATIONING EMOTIONS

People see emotions as a renewable resource. Mine isn’t. As such I ration my emotions as much as possible. I need to be able to put a stopper to unusual happiness, unscheduled shocks and inconsequential tear shedding. The older I grow, the more I find the need to be able to master my emotions. And the best way to do so, according to my theory, albeit twisted, is to consider your emotions as non-renewable. Like a depleting forest, or the thinning grass or a receeding hair-line, electricity from ECG, water in our pipeline etc. emotions have to be properly allocated. Like fuel in a taxi driver's tank, sometimes I put my emotions in free gear; the only direction is forward. It means that for a period of time, no matter what emotional obstacle I meet, I’m going to respond with the same expression as I had before that period. Allow me to explain.

[caption id="attachment_146" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="from left to right: Jack of Diamonds, Queen of Spades, Kings of Heart and Ace of Spades"][/caption]

Picture your emotions as a deck of cards. See the Ace of each suit as the highest attainable emotion you could ever achieve – ecstacy, extreme depression, raging anger, uncontrollable joy. The Kings, are reserved for close friends and family, Queen for people you respect i.e your boss, or superior at work; the Jack for your peers and the remaining ones for a few fake moments when you are required to show some form of emotion that doesn’t come naturally. Now you don’t want to run out of emotions before the end of play. It’ll be like pulling out a Joker when you really need a Queen of emotion at that moment. Jokers are used for any of those awkward moments when you’re not sure whether to weep, laugh, or sing for joy. They are very tricky cards to pull and as such can only be used effectively by the very sophisticated or advanced user. The remaining numbered cards are for things like admiration, confusion, dismay and any of those 3^rd grade emotions that don’t require too much energy.

Or you can decide to tag each emotion with a specific suit. Spades for unhappy moments such as anger, frustration, fear, depression, disappointment. Hearts for all happy moments like joy, peace of mind, victory and perhaps love. The suit of Clubs could represent revenge and the Diamond suit could stand for anything to do with money. I will explain this into further details in my book.

I don’t get it when most girls waste tears on needless things like a broken artificial nail; or when guys expend so much energy watching a game of football or soccer. I find it very nonsensical. There are better things to spend your emotions on. So take this as a note of caution: Next time you are tempted to expend your emotions irrationally, remember this post and use it wisely!

make-up shake up

Those who know me know that I don’t do make-up, wear dresses, tweeze my eyebrows, hate high heels or sing in a high pitched voice. It’s not me. Sadly, this has been the case since I was a toddler. Occasionally, my parents would put me in a dress; this included kaba and slit, “3 sisters” and a few others. All those moments have been captured on film and I will release it sometime in the future when I write my biography. As I didn’t have a choice as a child, I wore them. The only things I could do was to act defeated and my mum, God bless that woman, knew that something was up. She noticed the change in demeanour and never quite bothered me with dresses or skirts any more after I was 9. Friends and family who thought they were being nice and bought me dresses for my birthday and such other occassions did me wrong, but they didn’t know it.

All my life, I can literally count the number of times I’ve worn a full dress or matched a skirts with a top. It’s a rare occasion which involves days of planning and psyching myself up. I have an older sister who adores dresses and has a wardrobe full of dresses of all colours and a dressing table overflowing with make up kits.

When in secondary school, I wore a skirt once and by the time I went from my house to the dining hall, half the school had already heard the momentous occasion that had befallen them. I think my entire class was made to stand on their tables because they were making so much noise during Prep hour. I, on the other hand sat at my desk, even though I couldn’t study the entire period. So in short, wearing a dress is a big deal for me. For one, they are uncomfortable to wear. And when you wear them you have to sit in a particular way as you don’t want to reveal certain private areas. Second you can’t walk as you naturally can, especially in high heels, which obviously leave you helpless in the hands of gravity, making you prone to spilling over.

[caption id="attachment_142" align="aligncenter" width="400" caption="Why would any body want to wear this?"][/caption]

While in the university, I wore a skirt and top, all of 2 times of was it 3? It was for matriculation and in my 3rd year for a faculty dinner. And for the record, that weekend of the awards night, I was unwell and my best friend, coerced me into it. Had I been fit, I would have wriggled myself out of the situation. Growing up didn’t change matters. I’m close to thirty now and do not own more than 5 dresses - 3 kaba & slits for family funerals and the other two for emergency situations.

Recently, a very good friend, she’s older, gave me make-up as a gift. She doesn’t know me that well so I pardoned her mistake. It was an assortment of Chanel lipglosses so it’s not that bad. Of course my sister had wanted to hijack it, but I didn’t let her. She usually wears my dresses when people buy them for me. My brothers on the other hand, go into my wardrobe when they have to go to a party and don’t have any clean clothes. I don’t mind. Soon after I got the lipglosses, my brothers came into my room and saw the lipglosses on my table. They asked “who bought this for you?” I’m like, don’t you think I can buy my own make-up? They simply laughed and said; “just answer the question, who bought you this make-up?” I refused to answer the question. So what am I saying? I’m simply saying that I am me. An uncut diamond. I present myself as naturally as I can and if you can’t take that, well I make no apologies for that. If you think I look ugly without it, fine, like it that way. When I decide to wear a skirt/dress, it is simply to gain attention and get the mood a little lively, and not to impress anyone. Simply just for kicks. It can almost be equated to wearing a costume for Halloween.

Rebel Poetry

Ok guys, thanks for hanging in there patiently since my last post, decades ago. So I'm giving my blog a little twist with a bit of poetry.

Please, enjoy. This one is still untitled, so please feel free make suggestions.

Simple things made great

Confusion set straight

Unbelief turned trust

Dawn into dusk

Smile into frown

Mime & a clown

Cats after mice

Judas betrays Christ

Bondage into freedom

Protection - use a condom

Together as one body

Alone as nobody

Numb to your beating

Dumb - has no meaning

Lamb, please no bleating

Mum, no speaking

Guilty! There's no pleading

Ashamed yet proud

Blind but seeing

Applause, then a bow

Gang Who?

I was going through some of my old documents and I chanced upon this piece here. I enjoyed reading it once more and thought you would too.

It's from my days writing "In the Couch with Freddy" in JIVE Entertainment Weekly a while back.

 

First of, you guys need to forgive me. I know this column has been missing from Jive for the longest while, and possibly this might be my last entry for a long while to come. famosfreddy needs to take a little break.

But lemme get right down to business!

Last week I had several calls from all over to check out this new addition to the silver screen. Now y’all know that the moment something like that comes unto the screen, it’s just begging me to comment.

Hmmm… to begin with, the name is cheesy! Which creative minds over at TV3 decided that this was the best name to give to a contest? Gang Stars paa, some dey inside. I think they got the Gang bit right, but fell short of the Stars aspect. How do they manage to round up all the “kankpe” (hard core) people in one single slot of television time? It’s funny how Stars of the Future manages to get one type and TV3 ends up with another. Although I think that this year’s Stars of the Future wasn’t entirely up to snuff. That’s another matter for another medium.

Ok now, the only difference between this one and the Mentor is that they come in twos and threes and fours; male and female alike.

So I set up myself to watch this great show I’d heard so much about. There’s one mistake I made though; I had my dinner at the same time I was watching it. And if TV3 has any feelings for this poor soul of mine, they should compensate me for every time I nearly choked on a morsel. My brother recounts his displeasure of watching the opening of the show under the attack of mosquitoes. Now that is a sad story.

To be fair, I’ll say that not all the Gang Stars were utterly appalling, some were disgraceful and others were an embarrassment. Rather than call them Gang Stars, I’ll refer to them as Dimmed Shimmers. They need to realize that the songs they sing aren't theirs and as long as they are in that contest, and might want to merit the name “Star”, they’ll have to come up with something better than simply putting mime to an already established song. I like the judges, B.B., Jackie and DKB. But I hate their position. I wonder if they truly enjoy that role. It must be horrifying. Each time a group comes on stage it’s like a battlefield with guns going off in all directions. Duck! Bomb’s away! Sheesh!

If you saw my face when one batch came up to do Backstreet Boys’ “Quit Playing Games”, you might understand, albeit fairly, how my insides were churning. With all their might, they masterfully owned the song (not in the good sense as we would have hoped) and destroyed the music sheet with which the song was composed. The Backstreet Boys are not exactly my favorites; nonetheless, I can’t begin to fathom what they will make of this dirgeful rendition of the song. It was a complete and utter mess. There’s something interesting I noticed as well. When they were done singing and the hosts, Black Boy & that squeamish lady with the rat attack hairdo who tagged along, came up to talk to them, at least 70% of the time, the mics of the contestants didn’t work. That certainly raised my eyebrows. Besides the lead singer, how did the rest back him/her up? Hmmm?

The proceedings of that entire night reinstated my belief that clearly we have no sense of music! And that’s where all the work need be targeted. Not when they are old and set in their ways. Too late to teach and old dog new tricks, you know?

They need to be told right this moment that they can't keep riding on somebody else's choo-choo train. What's the skill in simply lip synching another's song? No real exhibition of talent in that. Somebody, please tell me the purpose of this gathering of Gang Stars. I implore you.

Instead of propelling us ahead of all four mentor seasons, they took me way back to secondary school days when entertainment night was all about getting on stage, miming and getting off stage. As my mosquito-bite ridden brother said, it reminded him of Saturday evening Variety Shows in SSS. There was no real need to sing, just look good on stage and everyone will like you.

Anywho, you’ve got to admire TV3’s unquenchable desire to entertain it’s audiences. They try. Truly they do.

But before I leave, here’s one word of advice to my Gang Star buddies; the fact that you enjoy singing a Mary J Blige/Mario/Jahiem song in your bathroom doesn't mean you can torture is with it.

 

Adios amigos

 

Gossip, Cheap, Small Talk

So lately, there’s a trend going on. I’m at that stage in my life when all my friends and colleagues are getting married, making babies and starting families. So, as you can imagine, there are several texts back and forth inviting me to weddings and engagements. I get at least 3 a month. It’s all well and good. But then I have problem. Yea, I always do. Even if there's no problem, I'll create one and have a fit over it.

See, over the past 3 or so years, I’ve received hundreds of SMSs inviting me to weddings and engagements and so on. It’s a quick and simple way of sending out information. All you have to do is to squeeze all you want to say into 160 characters (punctuation included). You can use every form of shorthand and cyber lingo to do it. No one will complain. Well...no one except me, of course.

 

[caption id="attachment_116" align="aligncenter" width="474" caption="texting texting texting"][/caption]

 

 

Allow me to say this emphatically once and for all: I do not and will not attend weddings or any other events based on texts. If you can't afford to spare more than 160 characters on a message as important as that, then maybe I shouldn't bother myself with looking for a suitably coloured dress, in some cases, even order a dress, make myself up, perhaps buy you a gift and drive several miles from my house only on the whim of a text. I won't do even do it for my best friend. And in any case, none of my best friends are cheap...well...some are. They are way too enlightened for that. It's not about being old fashioned, it's about doing it right. You wouldn't send the president of any country an SMS as an invite to an event. You would probably send him an official invite and then you can follow up with an SMS or a call.

 

[caption id="attachment_118" align="aligncenter" width="290" caption="An example of a proper Wedding Invite"][/caption]

 

 

That is the kind of respect I would like young people of today to exercise. The cyber world is great and all, but it can certainly not be used to trivialize important events like weddings, christenings or naming ceremonies. Notification by emails are acceptable, but texts, you can't possibly be serious.

 

[caption id="attachment_117" align="aligncenter" width="321" caption="They Say I Lack Writing Skills"][/caption]

 

 

According to my theory, SMSs are for gossip and small talk and they are above all, cheap! Therefore if you consider your wedding/engagement gossip material or that which makes small talk worthwhile, then consider me officially uninvited to your event. And by all standards I don’t attend cheap events. It’s bad for my image.

I don’t mind if you send the SMS days prior to the event as a reminder or perhaps an email blast to all your friends reminding them of your special event. But to send me an SMS as the first point of call is totally sub-standard for me. So here and now, I apologize to anyone whose wedding or engagement I’ve not attended. If you invited me via SMS now you understand why. If not, then maybe, I just don't like you. There are some that I was unable to attend for very genuine reasons. Truth hurts, but it has to be told.

If you can’t send out proper invitations, then at least you can manage a phone call. But simply sending invitational SMSs fall way below the credibility line and I will not, I repeat, I will not make anything of it.

That’s all. I had to say it and I did. So sue me!

The Love of Christ Constraineth Us

Read this today and thought I'd share with you...

"The love of Christ constraineth us." --2 Corinthians 5:14

How much owest thou unto my Lord? Has He ever done anything for thee? Has He forgiven thy sins? Has He covered thee with a robe of righteousness? Has He set thy feet upon a rock? Has He established thy goings? Has He prepared heaven for thee? Has He prepared thee for heaven? Has He written thy name in His book of life? Has He given thee countless blessings? Has He laid up for thee a store of mercies, which eye hath not seen nor ear heard? Then do something for Jesus worthy of His love. Give not a mere wordy offering to a dying Redeemer. How will you feel when your Master comes, if you have to confess that you _did_ nothing for Him, but kept your love shut up, like a stagnant pool, neither flowing forth to His poor or to His work.

[caption id="attachment_111" align="aligncenter" width="400" caption="LOVE"][/caption]

Out on such love as that! What do men think of a love which never shows itself in action? Why, they say, "Open rebuke is better than secret love." Who will accept a love so weak that it does not actuate you to a single deed of self-denial, of generosity, of heroism, or zeal! Think how _He_ has loved you, and given Himself for you! Do you know the power of that love? Then let it be like a rushing mighty wind to your soul to sweep out the clouds of your worldliness, and clear away the mists of sin. "For Christ's sake" be this the tongue of fire that shall sit upon you: "for Christ's sake" be this the divine rapture, the heavenly afflatus to bear you aloft from earth, the divine spirit that shall make you bold as lions and swift as eagles in your Lord's service. Love should give wings to the feet of service, and strength to the arms of labour. Fixed on God with a constancy that is not to be shaken, resolute to honour Him with a determination that is not to be turned aside, and pressing on with an ardour never to be wearied, let us manifest the constraints of love to Jesus. May the divine loadstone draw us heavenward towards itself.

mayhem.@.the.mall

So, we are back at the mall once more and it’s a galore of mayhem! Well…maybe that’s an exaggeration. But for me, it is mayhem enough. To all those who think I’m just a nitpicker, well here’s your proof!

Just so you know, I noticed this mishap long before I had the SHOPROT experience. I was simply waiting for the right moment. And now that I have you as an audience, what better time and place could there be?

When I first step into a new environment, the very first thing I do is to locate my bearings; where am I and where do I want to go. So I take very seriously road signs and maps and whatnots. It doesn’t matter that we hardly have any in Ghana. Whatever I find which shows me where I am going or where I should have gone is good enough for me. If it is a GINO tomato sign or a Guinness bill board which says, this is Makola, that’s fine by me.

Now I trust that you’re all too familiar with the Accra Mall by now. Y’all probably know where everything is, how to get what and where to get what. Well good for you! But what about the first time visitor who has only now seen what a mall looks like and wants to know how to locate everything there?

One day, I pretended to be this first time visitor to the Accra Mall and I was amazed at the map at the two entrances of the mall. I wanted to find my geographical location in the maze of people, pets and plastics and I found what I hoped I would never find.

For me, my map has to know how to be completely legit. That includes spelling. Who knows what might happen if you show me NEKE instead of NIKE? The implications of this can be  horrifying.

Maybe you need to see this for yourself to know just how severe this is. So scroll down and take a look at the pictures yourself and see if you can defend them on any level. I know that many of you hold degrees from the Thomas Doubting College, as such, a Kodak moment is required to make a genuine case.

[caption id="attachment_98" align="aligncenter" width="459" caption="The Bigger Picture"][/caption]

Now I’ve not been back at the Mall since my last “incident” there. But I have no doubt that this (pictured below) still exists.

[caption id="attachment_102" align="alignleft" width="277" caption="STATIONARY. adj. not moving or not intended to be moved"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_100" align="alignright" width="295" caption="JEWELLERY... not JEWELLARY and TELECOMMUNICATIONS comes with a double 'M'"][/caption]

No matter how you try to explain this, you simply can’t defend this. But by all means, give it a try. Let’s see what comes out of it.